How to get a job!

I am a victim of prejudice and oppression, being denied of money to support my wayward lifestyle. Job seeking has become something which I view with utter disgust and hatred. Every time I try to get a job of any sort it ends the same way; no reply, no job, no money. I have applied at numerous shops and restaurants around where I live over the past two years and no one has even given me a chance.
Today I decided to give De Vere Whites another go after being rejected twice before, this morning on the way to college I was informed that there was a recruitment evening being held there and they were giving out jobs to almost anyone. As soon as I got home from college I scrambled around the house delving deep into unfamiliar territory (ironing pile) to find clothes which would create the illusion of being a smart person. After I found what I thought was a good combination for a job interview I ran down to my friend’s house who was giving me a lift there.
On the way there we discussed the dos and don’ts of a job interview. My opinion on what I should say involved lying to them about being the father of a heroin addict whose mother left for the circus, in the hope that I would be looked on with pity and offered the job. However when I got dropped off and eventually found my way to where I needed to be, after being frozen and blown around by the wind, I was told that they had interviewed the two hundred applicants for the evening and I would have to attend the next one. This pissed me off. I didn’t say anything though and I just walked away seething to myself quietly planning the demise of the entire establishment.
As I walked back through the blistering cold it occurred to me I could easily get a job next time. No person with a soul would turn down a person in a wheelchair. Now you may think this is being slightly immoral but hear me out. If I turned up in an electric wheelchair and pitched to them the idea of the unstoppable waiter they would hire me in an instant. I could carry more plates than an able bodied waiter as I could get at least four on my lap, although the chair could be modified to hold up to ten, whist I scooted about the room. As well as this I wouldn’t tire as easily and wouldn’t complain about being on my feet all day because I wouldn’t be. Then after proving that I am a more efficient employee the customers would always tip me for my excellent work despite being confined to a chair.
So if you are confined to a wheelchair, unemployed and reading this, become a waiter or waitress as I guarantee you will earn more than the able bodied employees.

Merry February

Well we are now firmly within the grasp of 2011 and my determination to blog at least once a month has lapsed as I have had offers from most of the universities I have applied for. However I feel that I should keep at it as it’s the most constructive thing I do outside of college.
As I haven’t done one since November you would think that I should be able to think of something worthwhile to write about. Sadly this is not the case and I can’t recollect anything awe inspiring happening. The only thing I can think of at the moment is how I failed my challenge to give up Facebook I got as far as Christmas, then a few days after that I needed to know what was going on for New Years. Since then I have reclined back into my usual regime of going on it most nights just watching people post utter bollocks to each other. In the end it wasn’t even worth returning to it as I had some kind of a flu over New Years, although I didn’t want this to stop me having a good time so I went out anyway. Unfortunately it did stop me having a good time because I just sat withering away in the corner like some kind of forgotten orphan who is observing a party through frosted glass, in the hope that watching the others having fun will be just as fun… It isn’t.
Then fate being the cruel bastard it is I recovered from my illness just in time for college. Since then I have been overcome with a constant barrage of coursework which eats away at my very being. The majority of the time it’s getting done in time for deadlines and my first drafts got fairly good marks, but I always seem to worry I will fail miserably when I decide to take nights of working. Tonight for example I decided not to do any work as I was dragged into college against my will on my study day, the cheek! Study days are for lie-ins, an hour or two of work then doing whatever I can do to fill the rest of the day. Today however I was forced to come into college at the expense of me! A ridiculous £5.60 for two terrible bus journeys, the drivers didn’t even try to crack a smile or act like they enjoyed their jobs. Then I went in for a measly half hour of recording someone play guitar for a piece of coursework that would drive the most mild tempered, easygoing person to arson. Luckily one of my friends had a free so I wasn’t bequeathed with loneliness, which would have just been adding insult to injury.

I shall try harder to write blogs more often even if my readers are few and far between.

PeAcE!