A Christmassy Rant

Its that time of year again when the snow falls from the sky, everyone comes together in the spirit of cheer, adorable little cherubs knock upon our doors and sing us endearing songs about our messiah who saved us all  and we are trapped within an inescapabable world of commercial harassment that is Christmas. Except wait, in my eighteen years of survival I’m yet to witness a white Christmas day, everyone is still a dick to each other and the little carol singers are confined to the front of a supermarket ignored by the majority of our populace who couldn’t give a shit about Jesus unless there getting presents or chocolate. So all it really is, is an inescapable world of commercial harassment. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Christmas, (Well I don’t hate Christmas day. Which in my opinion is the only day during the holiday season, which should be acknowledged if you choose to celebrate Christmas) Its every other day in the weeks prior to Christmas that cause the bile to rise in my stomach.
  Every year over the entire country in mid November adverts on television and in shop windows make damn well sure we don’t forget that Christmas is on the way. I personally like to think of these early signs as a warning system of what’s to come; otherwise there presence causes me to scream “JESUS CHRIST!!, IT ISN’T EVEN CHRISTMAS FOR A MONTH” at the nearest person who looks like there unaware of this fact. Similar to some small mammals that sensing the impending cold of winter, go into hibernation. These ‘first adverts’ remind me not to turn on the television or go into densely populated areas such as towns or cities and to stay in bed for the majority of the day.  However sooner or later I end up having to face up to the ridiculously stressful scenario of buying presents.
  This year I intended to do my entire Christmas shopping online, though when I realised I had less than five days to buy the remainder of the presents I realised that anything I ordered from now on would not be delivered in time for Christmas day. At first the idea of leaving the house and venturing into a Christmassy environment revolted me causing an almighty rage to build within me. Eventually this subsided only for it to return even mightier when I drew close to the shopping centre. The first thing I noticed was a crudely animated decorative Father Christmas that seemed to be convulsing violently as though in the grip of a sudden possibly terminal ailment. This was followed by a menagerie of other tacky decorations and feeble lights that failed to impress. These were bad enough but when I entered the shopping centre I was immediately tormented by what I believe to be the worst part of Christmas, which is the music.  Every single year the same terrible songs are played repeatedly wherever you seem to be. Each one sounding menacingly similar to all the rest whilst at the same time sounding different and managing to embody everything I hate about Christmas. They all seem to involve lyrics about decorating the house, the music that is on during Christmas and enjoying everyone else as company. I’m not really sure how there came to be so many but at the same time hearing the same ones over and over each and every Christmas causes me to wish death upon all Christmas artists, except one. The only Christmas song I’m not ashamed to admit enjoying is ‘fairytale of New York’, which I enjoy because the Pogue’s are an underrated band who have done numerous other songs I like and because ‘fairytale of New York’ is ultimately about a pissheads empty promises on Christmas which is a much needed break from the rest of the Christmas songs.
  If you can block out the Christmas anthems incessantly being played the next emotional distress you have to deal with is the anxiety of what to get everyone for Christmas. I have to buy at least twelve presents for twelve different people every year and each year it becomes increasingly difficult to decide what to get everyone. Looking back on previous years I think about how easy it was to get my younger cousins one of many cheapish toys that they would have genuinely been pleased to get, now a few years down the line they have all outgrown toys so I have to actually think about what to get them. Which isn’t only difficult because you have to think of something each person will like but is made increasingly complicated by the politics of Christmas shopping. You have to consider how much your going to spend on each person and whether or not to buy two presents for someone if you spent quite a bit on a present for someone else. Eventually I battled through these difficulties and got most of my shopping done which leads onto the irritating and downright appalling tradition of wrapping the presents. Apparently the generous act of going out of your own time to think about and buy someone a present isn’t enough to please some people. If you unintentionally do a terrible job on wrapping a present, (usually for a grandparent) on Christmas day you can expect a glance of disappointment as you hand them the gift as though the appearance of the wrapping paper will make or break their Christmas. Which is completely unnecessary as the wrapping paper usually just ends up going into the fire or into the bin (well these days recycling bin).  Yet despite these, and a few more other annoying aspects leading up to Christmas when I’m sitting in my living room opening my gifts I’ll forget all this because at the end of the day in despite of what people will tell you Christmas is really just about getting presents.

Student Solutions- Spending your loan

I often find that money burns a hole in my pocket. When I checked my balance after my loan came through and I had over a thousand pounds I immediately wanted to purchase a luxury pet such as a pelican, a slow loris or perhaps one of those cats with squashed faces. For most undergraduate students their loan is the largest amount of money they have ever had access to. I imagine, that like me, temptation to spend it on things they have always wanted is all too great. On top of this the banks don’t exactly encourage responsible spending, with the ridiculous overdraft offers on the student accounts luring students into debt, I decided to stay with my normal saving account to avoid temptation. However the bank had created another way for me to be irresponsible with my money. I had been planning on creating a standing order, which would allow me to live on a set amount of money each week, but apparently I was not deemed worthy of this option as I had ‘the wrong account’. Now I have to log on to digital banking every week and manually transfer my funds. Every time I do this I contemplate and then transfer how much money I’m likely to spend in the week when I originally wanted to be living on a budget.
On the surface this doesn’t really sound like much of a problem but if you don’t budget you could fall into some expensive habits whether its buying expensive brands of food, regular nights out or a crippling crack addiction you’ll find that your spending more money than you realise. If you don’t realise or you fail to address your overspending you’ll eventually find yourself surviving off your house/flatmates left over and out of date meals, wallowing in your own self-pity, reduced to performing degrading acts in the high street for small change. Your life will get gradually worse until the next payment of your loan. At this point some will realise the error of their ways, others will go out and buy the cat with the squashed face and the vicious cycle will continue.
At university were lucky that you can make these mistakes and not end up having to wash your clothes in public toilets providing you only make the mistakes once, as well as getting a degree were teaching ourselves how to look after ourselves. Your student loan will probably be the best loan you get in your entire life, you have no interest and you don’t have to start paying it back until your earning over £15,000, and even then you pay it back gradually. Make the most of it, go out and treat yourself with it, but just remember to make sure you have enough to survive comfortably on.

Student Solutions- Korean housemates do's and don'ts

Admittedly the title makes this blog seem like its aimed at a fairly niche audience but I’m sure my ideas will apply to any foreign student you may be sharing a flat/house with. First of all and most importantly don’t assume that your South Korean flat mates are lying about coming from the south due to the red stars they put on their milk. After not mistaking them for communists make sure you don’t ensue in seeing the shared living area as land that they may be invading and definitely don’t devise a counter attack after they invite a few of their Korean friends around one night.
Ok well those initial points may have only been relevant if you are sharing with South Korean people and even then I don’t know if they’re as relevant as I thought they were. Sharing a flat/house with someone who speaks minimal English can be quite difficult, especially when you set off on the wrong foot.
After finding it hard to hold a conversation with my South Korean flatmates I didn’t really speak to them much after I first met them. This was a wrong move and was most probably the reason why ‘Patrick’ hated me for a short while. It became apparent after one night me, and the two English people I share with, had some friends over and got quite merry. At around five I was in particularly good spirits and thought it would be a good idea to turn up the volume. Shortly after this an angry shirtless Patrick came in and turned off the music, at which point we remembered that they lived here and felt a bit guilty. A couple of days later when I next saw him I did apologise, but he didn’t really acknowledge me and for the following week on the rare occasion I would see him, he glared at me. This is mostly due to no attempt at conversation with him. If you don’t speak to your flat/house mates and they are in the minority they hide in their rooms and you have no idea whether they are in or not. Not talking to them also means you don’t know what days they have early starts, whether or not they are planning on having friends around and pretty much everything else about them, so despite it being awkward when you have to ask them to repeat what they said and vice versa, I advise talking to your foreign flat/house mates more often. Think of it like this, the more you talk to them the better there English will get, then you might become friends and stay up getting merry and playing loud music with them. It is easy to forget but some foreign students have travelled thousands of miles to come and study in a completley alien environment. Unsurprisingly they can often feel very isolated and alone. So even though, sometimes you may find it difficult, try and make them feel at home in the flat with you and eventually the pub too.

Student Solutions

It is safe to say that I have been neglecting this blog again; this is the first one I have written in about 4 months. The last blog I wrote, in May, contemplating the starting of a swimming legacy might have suggested that I had some determination for this venture. However that was the last time I went swimming so it seems I wasn’t as determined as I thought I was.
Reading back through my blogs has made it apparent that my ability to maintain interest in my impulsive ideas is a battle not worth fighting. So I have been contemplating a new theme for my blogs over the past week or two. Instead of occasionally ranting about something random that springs into my mind, I have decided that I shall be generous and impart some of my wisdom onto you. It may make your life slightly easier, or dramatically easier, I haven’t decided yet.
Anyway getting to the point, as I have now officially become a university student I have also been burdened with the responsibilities and hardships that come with it. Of course you may also be suffering the same day to day difficulties as I am such as, ‘ how long after the use by date is too long after the use by date’ or ‘how can I easily cover up damage to my residence to avoid losing my deposit’. Over the next three years I shall answer these questions and hopefully many more to make student life easier and more fun.
As this is the first blog on this theme I may as well address the majority of students primary concern, “How am I going to afford to get pissed as regularly as I require”(That’s right I’m tackling some heavy subjects from the offset). The answer to this relies heavily on whether or not you’re a prick. If you are and you struggle to get on with your flat/house mates I’m afraid you may never be able to meet your needs. Basically it is cheaper to buy in bulk and it’s even cheaper if you share the cost. Instead of buying for yourself on the night you plan to get drunk, what you and your housemates need to do is agree on an equal amount your all willing to spend on booze then once a week all chip in for as much as your budget allows. Unless your doing it wrong it should work out cheaper than buying your booze on the night regardless of how much you drink.
Next time I’ll be discussing the Korean housemates do’s and don’ts.

Shwimen

Today was possibly the start and finish of my attempt to get fit. Inspired by the weekend of sport in Manchester and the amphibious people creatures that swam in Salford quays, I decided I would start going swimming in an effort to increase my stamina. Before I actually got round to going swimming, the idea that this all would probably be an impulse that I would soon give up on, like many others before it, went through my head.
However I decided I would give it a go anyway. I got to my local leisure centre around quarter past nine expecting it to cost around two quid. It didn’t! It was around four quid. Reluctantly I departed with my hard earned money. As I got into the pool I expected I would be able to swim for about an hour then go home and have breakfast. This was extremely optimistic I did two lengths then had to have a minute to get my breath back, at which point I released I probably wouldn’t manage an hour. Whilst all this was occurring some old man who appeared to be powered by steam made an example of how unfit I was. Not only did I get outdone by an elderly man but by a number of portly gentlemen and women. I refused to accept that fat people had more stamina than me, so I decided that their largeness must provide buoyancy and effectively each one of them was a little boat which wouldn’t sink, all they had to do was flap their legs about and they would stay afloat. Whereas myself, being a scrawny person, had to stop myself from sinking, as well as propelling myself through the water using up much valuable energy. In the end after many regular breaks I managed either 18 or 20 lengths at which point one of my legs got a sudden pain so I accepted defeat at around quarter to ten.
On the walk home I was fairly annoyed that I spent four quid on less than half an hour of swimming but I worked out I did around 500m, which wasn’t too bad for a first attempt. So I have decided that to prove to myself and the lifeguards(who I’m sure were laughing at me), that I can do better, I shall carry on with these swimming ventures, unless of course the pain in my leg reoccurs.

An awful week

The world of college has started to become an inescapable fascist regime, and it has only just occurred to me that I should write about it, as it is something I have passionate feelings about. Although it could just be more apparent today as this week so far has been a series of irritating and depressing events. The feeling of college resembling Nazi Germany, became evident when they decided to introduce a ridiculous policy; you must have your i.d card visible at all times, if you don’t have it you are not acknowledged as a student or even a human being as you’re not allowed food. Try and argue with your oppressors and they will come down on you with an iron fist. For example when I once forgot my i.d it took someone till the end of the day to realise I was an unidentifiable object threatening their establishment. I politely informed the member of staff that I had forgotten it and assured her that I would bring it tomorrow, she then decided that this wasn’t good enough and ordered me to get a temporary one. On the way to getting one she then interrogated me and somehow came to the conclusion that if I was a pupil at the college I had been skiving all day and could not be trusted, a reasonable conclusion. A few days after this I received a letter in the post telling me I was deemed a threat to other students and if I continued to forget it I would receive a warning. Presumably after that I would be subjected to torture involving the branding of my student i.d onto my forehead so I would never be mistaken for an outsider again. The regime aside, this week has been terrible for other reasons, college has just exacerbated it. Firstly on my list of ongoing aggravation was Leeds festival. The release of the line-up was a long anticipated event which was ruined when I found out that ‘my chemical romance’ are headlining. A person trying to recreate mozarts 5th only using a cow and a spade would have been a better headliner. So I decided that I wouldn’t bother with Leeds festival this year. As well as this my laptop which I had sent away to be fixed, costing me £60 of my own money came back still broken. I should have realised that I probably was wasting my money after the I.T technician I dropped it off with couldn’t type using any other fingers than his index one and couldn’t spell the word computer. The shop was also in Farnworth a place inhabited by dim-witted people who have only just discovered electricity and probably believe it is witchcraft. I then was punished further by catching a cold, although not life threatening or enough to stay at home in bed for a week it is annoying and makes my breathing sound like that of the elephant mans as I can only breathe through my mouth. On Wednesday morning at 4 o’clock I was woke up by my own breathing believing that a homicidal maniac with severe asthma may have intruded into my bedroom. Unable to breathe I panicked and began to suffocate as I didn’t think to breathe through my mouth. After I got over this it took me a good hour and a half to get back to sleep. Mostly because of the cold but partly because I realised my usual Wednesday lie in had been compromised by the fact I was being dragged into college on my study day. Wednesday morning dragged on a bit because I could barely speak due to a sore throat and couldn’t concentrate on anything due to lack of sleep but I got home in the afternoon, the sun was out and it was warm so I’m hoping that it’s a sign my week will improve but I am not going to get my hopes up.

How to get a job!

I am a victim of prejudice and oppression, being denied of money to support my wayward lifestyle. Job seeking has become something which I view with utter disgust and hatred. Every time I try to get a job of any sort it ends the same way; no reply, no job, no money. I have applied at numerous shops and restaurants around where I live over the past two years and no one has even given me a chance.
Today I decided to give De Vere Whites another go after being rejected twice before, this morning on the way to college I was informed that there was a recruitment evening being held there and they were giving out jobs to almost anyone. As soon as I got home from college I scrambled around the house delving deep into unfamiliar territory (ironing pile) to find clothes which would create the illusion of being a smart person. After I found what I thought was a good combination for a job interview I ran down to my friend’s house who was giving me a lift there.
On the way there we discussed the dos and don’ts of a job interview. My opinion on what I should say involved lying to them about being the father of a heroin addict whose mother left for the circus, in the hope that I would be looked on with pity and offered the job. However when I got dropped off and eventually found my way to where I needed to be, after being frozen and blown around by the wind, I was told that they had interviewed the two hundred applicants for the evening and I would have to attend the next one. This pissed me off. I didn’t say anything though and I just walked away seething to myself quietly planning the demise of the entire establishment.
As I walked back through the blistering cold it occurred to me I could easily get a job next time. No person with a soul would turn down a person in a wheelchair. Now you may think this is being slightly immoral but hear me out. If I turned up in an electric wheelchair and pitched to them the idea of the unstoppable waiter they would hire me in an instant. I could carry more plates than an able bodied waiter as I could get at least four on my lap, although the chair could be modified to hold up to ten, whist I scooted about the room. As well as this I wouldn’t tire as easily and wouldn’t complain about being on my feet all day because I wouldn’t be. Then after proving that I am a more efficient employee the customers would always tip me for my excellent work despite being confined to a chair.
So if you are confined to a wheelchair, unemployed and reading this, become a waiter or waitress as I guarantee you will earn more than the able bodied employees.

Merry February

Well we are now firmly within the grasp of 2011 and my determination to blog at least once a month has lapsed as I have had offers from most of the universities I have applied for. However I feel that I should keep at it as it’s the most constructive thing I do outside of college.
As I haven’t done one since November you would think that I should be able to think of something worthwhile to write about. Sadly this is not the case and I can’t recollect anything awe inspiring happening. The only thing I can think of at the moment is how I failed my challenge to give up Facebook I got as far as Christmas, then a few days after that I needed to know what was going on for New Years. Since then I have reclined back into my usual regime of going on it most nights just watching people post utter bollocks to each other. In the end it wasn’t even worth returning to it as I had some kind of a flu over New Years, although I didn’t want this to stop me having a good time so I went out anyway. Unfortunately it did stop me having a good time because I just sat withering away in the corner like some kind of forgotten orphan who is observing a party through frosted glass, in the hope that watching the others having fun will be just as fun… It isn’t.
Then fate being the cruel bastard it is I recovered from my illness just in time for college. Since then I have been overcome with a constant barrage of coursework which eats away at my very being. The majority of the time it’s getting done in time for deadlines and my first drafts got fairly good marks, but I always seem to worry I will fail miserably when I decide to take nights of working. Tonight for example I decided not to do any work as I was dragged into college against my will on my study day, the cheek! Study days are for lie-ins, an hour or two of work then doing whatever I can do to fill the rest of the day. Today however I was forced to come into college at the expense of me! A ridiculous £5.60 for two terrible bus journeys, the drivers didn’t even try to crack a smile or act like they enjoyed their jobs. Then I went in for a measly half hour of recording someone play guitar for a piece of coursework that would drive the most mild tempered, easygoing person to arson. Luckily one of my friends had a free so I wasn’t bequeathed with loneliness, which would have just been adding insult to injury.

I shall try harder to write blogs more often even if my readers are few and far between.

PeAcE!