Shwimen

Today was possibly the start and finish of my attempt to get fit. Inspired by the weekend of sport in Manchester and the amphibious people creatures that swam in Salford quays, I decided I would start going swimming in an effort to increase my stamina. Before I actually got round to going swimming, the idea that this all would probably be an impulse that I would soon give up on, like many others before it, went through my head.
However I decided I would give it a go anyway. I got to my local leisure centre around quarter past nine expecting it to cost around two quid. It didn’t! It was around four quid. Reluctantly I departed with my hard earned money. As I got into the pool I expected I would be able to swim for about an hour then go home and have breakfast. This was extremely optimistic I did two lengths then had to have a minute to get my breath back, at which point I released I probably wouldn’t manage an hour. Whilst all this was occurring some old man who appeared to be powered by steam made an example of how unfit I was. Not only did I get outdone by an elderly man but by a number of portly gentlemen and women. I refused to accept that fat people had more stamina than me, so I decided that their largeness must provide buoyancy and effectively each one of them was a little boat which wouldn’t sink, all they had to do was flap their legs about and they would stay afloat. Whereas myself, being a scrawny person, had to stop myself from sinking, as well as propelling myself through the water using up much valuable energy. In the end after many regular breaks I managed either 18 or 20 lengths at which point one of my legs got a sudden pain so I accepted defeat at around quarter to ten.
On the walk home I was fairly annoyed that I spent four quid on less than half an hour of swimming but I worked out I did around 500m, which wasn’t too bad for a first attempt. So I have decided that to prove to myself and the lifeguards(who I’m sure were laughing at me), that I can do better, I shall carry on with these swimming ventures, unless of course the pain in my leg reoccurs.

An awful week

The world of college has started to become an inescapable fascist regime, and it has only just occurred to me that I should write about it, as it is something I have passionate feelings about. Although it could just be more apparent today as this week so far has been a series of irritating and depressing events. The feeling of college resembling Nazi Germany, became evident when they decided to introduce a ridiculous policy; you must have your i.d card visible at all times, if you don’t have it you are not acknowledged as a student or even a human being as you’re not allowed food. Try and argue with your oppressors and they will come down on you with an iron fist. For example when I once forgot my i.d it took someone till the end of the day to realise I was an unidentifiable object threatening their establishment. I politely informed the member of staff that I had forgotten it and assured her that I would bring it tomorrow, she then decided that this wasn’t good enough and ordered me to get a temporary one. On the way to getting one she then interrogated me and somehow came to the conclusion that if I was a pupil at the college I had been skiving all day and could not be trusted, a reasonable conclusion. A few days after this I received a letter in the post telling me I was deemed a threat to other students and if I continued to forget it I would receive a warning. Presumably after that I would be subjected to torture involving the branding of my student i.d onto my forehead so I would never be mistaken for an outsider again. The regime aside, this week has been terrible for other reasons, college has just exacerbated it. Firstly on my list of ongoing aggravation was Leeds festival. The release of the line-up was a long anticipated event which was ruined when I found out that ‘my chemical romance’ are headlining. A person trying to recreate mozarts 5th only using a cow and a spade would have been a better headliner. So I decided that I wouldn’t bother with Leeds festival this year. As well as this my laptop which I had sent away to be fixed, costing me £60 of my own money came back still broken. I should have realised that I probably was wasting my money after the I.T technician I dropped it off with couldn’t type using any other fingers than his index one and couldn’t spell the word computer. The shop was also in Farnworth a place inhabited by dim-witted people who have only just discovered electricity and probably believe it is witchcraft. I then was punished further by catching a cold, although not life threatening or enough to stay at home in bed for a week it is annoying and makes my breathing sound like that of the elephant mans as I can only breathe through my mouth. On Wednesday morning at 4 o’clock I was woke up by my own breathing believing that a homicidal maniac with severe asthma may have intruded into my bedroom. Unable to breathe I panicked and began to suffocate as I didn’t think to breathe through my mouth. After I got over this it took me a good hour and a half to get back to sleep. Mostly because of the cold but partly because I realised my usual Wednesday lie in had been compromised by the fact I was being dragged into college on my study day. Wednesday morning dragged on a bit because I could barely speak due to a sore throat and couldn’t concentrate on anything due to lack of sleep but I got home in the afternoon, the sun was out and it was warm so I’m hoping that it’s a sign my week will improve but I am not going to get my hopes up.

How to get a job!

I am a victim of prejudice and oppression, being denied of money to support my wayward lifestyle. Job seeking has become something which I view with utter disgust and hatred. Every time I try to get a job of any sort it ends the same way; no reply, no job, no money. I have applied at numerous shops and restaurants around where I live over the past two years and no one has even given me a chance.
Today I decided to give De Vere Whites another go after being rejected twice before, this morning on the way to college I was informed that there was a recruitment evening being held there and they were giving out jobs to almost anyone. As soon as I got home from college I scrambled around the house delving deep into unfamiliar territory (ironing pile) to find clothes which would create the illusion of being a smart person. After I found what I thought was a good combination for a job interview I ran down to my friend’s house who was giving me a lift there.
On the way there we discussed the dos and don’ts of a job interview. My opinion on what I should say involved lying to them about being the father of a heroin addict whose mother left for the circus, in the hope that I would be looked on with pity and offered the job. However when I got dropped off and eventually found my way to where I needed to be, after being frozen and blown around by the wind, I was told that they had interviewed the two hundred applicants for the evening and I would have to attend the next one. This pissed me off. I didn’t say anything though and I just walked away seething to myself quietly planning the demise of the entire establishment.
As I walked back through the blistering cold it occurred to me I could easily get a job next time. No person with a soul would turn down a person in a wheelchair. Now you may think this is being slightly immoral but hear me out. If I turned up in an electric wheelchair and pitched to them the idea of the unstoppable waiter they would hire me in an instant. I could carry more plates than an able bodied waiter as I could get at least four on my lap, although the chair could be modified to hold up to ten, whist I scooted about the room. As well as this I wouldn’t tire as easily and wouldn’t complain about being on my feet all day because I wouldn’t be. Then after proving that I am a more efficient employee the customers would always tip me for my excellent work despite being confined to a chair.
So if you are confined to a wheelchair, unemployed and reading this, become a waiter or waitress as I guarantee you will earn more than the able bodied employees.

Merry February

Well we are now firmly within the grasp of 2011 and my determination to blog at least once a month has lapsed as I have had offers from most of the universities I have applied for. However I feel that I should keep at it as it’s the most constructive thing I do outside of college.
As I haven’t done one since November you would think that I should be able to think of something worthwhile to write about. Sadly this is not the case and I can’t recollect anything awe inspiring happening. The only thing I can think of at the moment is how I failed my challenge to give up Facebook I got as far as Christmas, then a few days after that I needed to know what was going on for New Years. Since then I have reclined back into my usual regime of going on it most nights just watching people post utter bollocks to each other. In the end it wasn’t even worth returning to it as I had some kind of a flu over New Years, although I didn’t want this to stop me having a good time so I went out anyway. Unfortunately it did stop me having a good time because I just sat withering away in the corner like some kind of forgotten orphan who is observing a party through frosted glass, in the hope that watching the others having fun will be just as fun… It isn’t.
Then fate being the cruel bastard it is I recovered from my illness just in time for college. Since then I have been overcome with a constant barrage of coursework which eats away at my very being. The majority of the time it’s getting done in time for deadlines and my first drafts got fairly good marks, but I always seem to worry I will fail miserably when I decide to take nights of working. Tonight for example I decided not to do any work as I was dragged into college against my will on my study day, the cheek! Study days are for lie-ins, an hour or two of work then doing whatever I can do to fill the rest of the day. Today however I was forced to come into college at the expense of me! A ridiculous £5.60 for two terrible bus journeys, the drivers didn’t even try to crack a smile or act like they enjoyed their jobs. Then I went in for a measly half hour of recording someone play guitar for a piece of coursework that would drive the most mild tempered, easygoing person to arson. Luckily one of my friends had a free so I wasn’t bequeathed with loneliness, which would have just been adding insult to injury.

I shall try harder to write blogs more often even if my readers are few and far between.

PeAcE!

Mentally, I am more powerful than Jesus.

Today I decided to set myself a mental challenge; to some it may seem like a mere frivolous spendage of time but to others it will be seen as a feat of mental strength. I am going to give up an addiction that has haunted my evenings for at least two years now, tis the dastardly villain, FACEBOOK!

I have spent far too many hours on it just gawping at the screen, 'liking' status' like "Omg just lost my phone" or "lol look at Gilian Mckeith pale out in the jungle". Like I give a shit! I'm a celebritwat gets me angry enough on T.V, I shouldn't be spending my time observing a running commentary on it by illiterate, brain dead people who claim to be my friends, but in reality I have never even messaged them via Facebook let alone held a conversation with them in person. So yes I decided I have had enough and I should spend my time more creatively. So I de-activated my account which was a strange experience, as soon as I clicked the deactivation button a little motif of pictures I was tagged in with friends appeared with little messages below them saying “Lewis will miss you” and “Claudia will miss you”. This poor attempt to make me reconsider deleting Facebook only made me angry so I carried on the form thing until I could say good riddance to Facebook.

The deleting of Facebook was the easy part but I’m not exaggerating when I say it ate up at least 12 hours every week, so now to find more worthwhile pursuits which will fill my time. The first thing I decided to do was spend about half an hour trying to work out a theme song from a film on the piano, which I am proud to say I achieved. The second thing I have achieved (well achieving) is writing this blog, but I think after this I will be running out of things to occupy myself with. I may attempt to do some homework, undistracted by the tyrant that is Facebook. Then I will probably play some guitar or go on the Xbox for a bit then I will be thoroughly bored.
It’s pretty sad when the most entertaining thing people my age can find to do is staring at a screen reading peoples publicised thoughts and chatting to them about bugger all. I hate talking to people through instant messaging; first of all conversations usually consist of: “hi”, “what you doing”, “same”, “bye”. Then secondly when someone doesn’t reply after about 2 minutes you start to wonder whether they have just grabbed something to eat or if they can’t be bothered speaking to you because you feel you may have been blagging them slightly, which then leads to irrational paranoia in case they don’t like you. Then finally people tend to get the wrong end of the stick when I am ‘chatting’ to them, it turns out sarcasm doesn’t work very well over the internet. Talking to people face to face or even over the phone is what should be done, especially when you are getting to know someone, I come across as a right dick when I get to know people online so I am stopping myself being wrongly perceived from now on by stopping myself from using Facebook.

Well now I am going to attempt to do something innovative somewhere else in my abode as I feel I have digressed slightly in this blog. My only problem now is that the only link to this blog for other people to read is on my Facebook page, if you have found it, well done, you are worthy of my friendship!

TV needs sorting!

Why is the television filled with complete and utter shite?, and why is the majority of the British population dribbling monotone shits?
They have to be if 'Xfactor' and 'I'm a celebritwat get me out of here' are still being aired, then the rest of the time it is either repeated relics on 'Dave' or just general mind-numbing, futile and perturbing drivel like ‘The One Show’. I don’t know whether or not I have previously ranted about the one show, but I shall continue regardless. The program is basically Blue Peter for slow adults, with presenters that have been cast for me to despise. First it was that Adrian Chiles who is far too jolly for someone who has a face like a damaged potato, but now he seems to have disappeared, hopefully forever. Then I caught an episode or two where Jason Manford was presenting it, which just saddened me. Jason Manford should have just stuck to being a comedian that’s what he’s good at. Then today It was Chris Evans the weasel bastard.
We may have almost come to the time to let me create a television program, it will involve a pit some endangered but deadly animals and a host of celebrities I deem fit to be combatants. Although we are not quite there yet, as there is current television programs we should have more of.
First of all we need more David Attenborough, for everyone who watched his life series, you will understand. For everyone who didn’t, I suggest going watching it now and for everyone who didn’t like it, go somewhere quiet and suffocate yourself using an item of your choice.
Other documentaries we need are ones like ‘The Filth and the Fury’ which is about (in the words of John Lydon) “telling the fucking truth”. A new series of Robotwars needs to be made with Craig Charles presenting. Then there are programs that just need subtle changes to make them into greats, like a ‘Crimewatch, payback’ which will basically be captured criminals featured on regular crimewatch receiving corporal punishment for the viewers entertainment.
I could go on being inspiring but I won’t.

Zombies, are they all that bad?

The world is full of people, some say too many. I am one of these people who believe there are too many. I think it is time to see if people are worth their salt. Now with population at its all time highest and still rising and with there being too many people burning valuable fossil fuels, eating all the creatures and destroying their little creature homes i think it is time to take drastic action.
The Government should release their zombification virus's (we all know they have them). Ok at first the world might be a bit of a shit place to live when there's a risk of being eaten when you go down to the shops for a packet of wine gums, but after enough people have perished the army can step in and save civilisation then we can pretend none of it ever happened.
The people who survive the zombie invasion will have definitely earned their survival. They will be safe in the knowledge that they were the fittest in a literal survival of the fittest scenario. If that isn't enough I'm sure I'm not the only one that thinks it would be a laugh, that is as long as the zombies had the speed and strength of the zombies in 'Shaun of the dead' or 'Dawn of the dead', not really fast enough to chase you if you are capable of running, but dangerous enough if in close proximity and hungry.
People will be able to run around brandishing weapons of their choice and slaying zombies hither and thither whilst not feeling guilty as the zombies aren't really alive anyway.
Then if 'Shaun of the dead' is anything to go by, after the zombie pandemic has been contained we can use the remaining zombies for our entertainment on reality TV shows which I'm sure will get large audiences because the majority of people who watch reality TV are already half way there to being a zombie.